Patrolling the mediocracy
Thank you British films and British actresses. Thank you Lily James and Felicity Jones and Kate Winslet and Emma Watson and Keira Knightley and you too, Audrey Hepburn (born in Belgium, but British to me).
Podcast: Love Island – what’s the point? Does your mum shave your arse? Are you looking for love, or fifty grand? Have you diligently attended the gym, or the tan shop, or both? If so, you might actually be on it. If not, you might be restricted to watching it. Robin and Sean certainly are. Contains relaxed muscle.
Podcast: The Tory leadership contenders are all hyped up on Brexit Viagra and it’s down to a straight knob-wrestle between Boris ‘Babyfather’ Johnson and Jeremy ‘Meanwhile’ Hunt. Robin and Sean monitor the media discharge. Contains vermin.
Here’s my burning question for Theresa May: Where are your balls? You’re an outgoing Prime Minister with absolutely nothing to lose and absolutely everything to gain, including your dignity. And you do nothing!
Podcast: Donald Trump. Bloody hell. Is he the Best Ever, like he says? Or the Worst? Whatever. Are there keys to his tiny mind in his childlike Twitter feed? Is his milk being adulterated? Can he rival the Mr Men for literary complexity? Robin and Sean inspect the White House shitehouse. Contains stone-cold losers.
Nobody wants to go on record about this, but I’m fed up and I’m taking a stand. There’s a pattern of British bands coming here, stealing our blues, taking our women, and criticizing America in their lyrics.
Podcast: Remember Margaret Thatcher? The prime minister who tore the country apart without asking first? Actually, we were trying to forget, but the BBC is banging out a mega-documentary on her so we can get screwed all over again. Robin and Sean relive the destruction of industry and the debasement of society. Contains Tebbit.
We are in a UK comedy drought. We know your political system has fallen to shit. So has ours. Neither situation is funny. Where are the stories on politicians defending Muslim women’s rights and in the same breath calling them letter boxes? That’s funny stuff!
How funny is Frankie Boyle? And if he is, why is he on BBC Two when Mrs Brown’s Boys is prime time BBC One? Has anything changed since Jerry Sadowitz didn’t make it in the mainstream? Can anything shock you now? Robin and Sean talk bollocks for breakfast. Contains timechecks.
Podcast: Wake up, it’s the 21st century! When people rubbing their hands clock up more YouTube views than Ed Sheeran (figures not verified). Yes, it’s ASMR. Not sure if you can dig nine minutes of pickle chewing or half an hour of keyboard typing? Then you’re in the right place, with Robin and Sean. Contains triggers.
Podcast: Is the TV music doc a shagged formula? Can we get Keith Richards in and is he actually black? What way up do you play and are you in a non-ego zone? Can you find out watching John Lee Hooker: Boogie Man and Word Is Bond? Robin and Sean give it a try. Contains bum notes.
Podcast: It’s exciting. New parties are springing up like plague buboes on the body politic. But have Change UK-The Independent Group (catchy) or the Brexit Party got anything fresh? Robin and Sean unbox the websites. Contains spoiled ballots.
Nigel Farage’s new party has carefully pre-selected its candidates. Presumably they thought they could sieve out the wonky veg and present a sane line-up. But given they’ll be beneath the Farage banner that’s a bit optimistic.
Podcast: Do you wave a card in the general direction of the bar, or hand over a tenner? Folding fans are being left behind – and the elders can’t get their Parker pens to work with their banking apps. Robin and Sean count the cost. Contains loose change.
It’s a C-list humanitarian crisis in here. The captive slebs have had their guts crammed with sweets, chocolate and crisps and now they’ve had to scarf down chips, pies, burgers, kebabs and parmo in one sitting.
British music mags, once a seething pit of pathologically antisocial vibes, are now a library of wistful epistles to the last century. Pink Floyd, the Beatles, Neil Young and the bloke who mowed the lawn at the place Led Zeppelin recorded Houses Of The Holy (really though). You name it.
Podcast: The celebs are back on Channel 5 with Britain’s Favourite Crisps, in the series that’s turned into a cult. Dom Joly, Vanessa Feltz, Basil Brush and all that lot, holed up in the studio, chewing fatty snacks. Robin Gibson and Sean Gollogly crunch the numbers. Contains salt and vinegar.
Podcast: You browse the Sidebar of Shame every day? You know Vogue Williams, Lauren Goodger, Carol Vorderman? You like fights in Wolverhampton, nipple removal (in Wolverhampton) and Brexit? Who doesn’t? Well, no one, and some people, on MailOnline. Robin and Sean scroll right down. Contains fake tan.
So you’re getting divorced. That European chick, huh? She was never right for you. She didn’t speak your language and she didn’t share your values. She didn’t like your bitter beer, your shepherd’s pie, or your Led Zeppelin.
Podcast: Robin and Sean get their betting boots on for the Cheltenham Festival on ITV Racing with Ed Chamberlin, Matt Chapman and all the rest of them. And the bookies’ ads. When the fun stops, should you stop? Contains heavy going.