Brexit trade agreeement

The Brexit Party: let’s get this party finished

red traffic lightHaemorrhoids Website by the Brexit Party

It’s a great time for internet politics fans. New party websites are popping up like rabid haemorrhoids. And like haemorrhoids they’re irritating, but must be inspected.

First there was the Independent Group, reviewed here when it flopped out. It’s still grey, and it doesn’t even say (correct at time of writing) about them becoming Change UK.

A while ago it was asking you to apply to become a candidate. Bit risky, that – any sort of non-neoliberal oik with ideas could have turned up. But probably that’s what they were after. Ideas. You’ve got to say they need some. And apparently someone did turn up, because they’ve got all their square holes filled.

In contrast Nigel Farage’s new party here, the Brexit Party, has carefully pre-selected its candidates and announced them straight away. Presumably they thought they could sieve out the wonky veg and present a sane line-up. But given they’ll all be marching beneath the Farage banner that’s a bit optimistic.

The site doesn’t actually say about what they’ll be campaigning for, but you can have a good guess – an end to pesky regulations on working hours, pesticides, transport of radioactive toys and healthcare in other countries. Getting shot of all that nonsense. Reinstating asbestos, afternoon closing, smallpox and everyday racism, with brute force if necessary. Getting back the good times.

Look at their Twitter. Britain is being humiliated by the establishment. It’s time to bring back trust to politics. How could you resist? Also they’ve also got a sort of arrow logo that looks a bit Jam, a bit Dad’s Army. Ideal.

That’s the vibe, now on to the candidates. A savoury bunch, described with limited literacy, which might be part of the manifesto.

  1. Nigel Farage: Leader The afterlife of the party, haunting the nation in a spiteful, plodding (but not marching) way. He won’t stop. He’s like a tweed Duracell bunny with a drum outside your living room window, annoying you forever. “Nigel is one of the most successful political leaders in modern British history,” it says. Well, yes, if you assess him by getting elected to the European parliament. On the other hand, he’s stood for election seven times IN Britain and failed at every attempt.
  2. Richard Tice: Business Person ‘Leader’ denotes NF’s BP role, but ‘Business Person’ is just a description. Unless the BP has a Business Person role, maybe for the chap who orders the carbon paper and updates the subscription ledgers. “Richard believes that huge opportunities will open up for the UK with a proper clean Brexit.” Yes! He will polish our arses thoroughly after evacuation. Garnish our bottoms with powder, and wipe them with paper – the hard kind. Richard runs a “value-add investment and asset management group focusing on repositioning real estate”. Explain that.
  3. Ben Habib: Entrepreneur As opposed to Business Person. “Passionate believer in Britain.” Fair enough, it undeniably exists. “Award-winning commercial property fund manager with operations in the United Kingdom and central Europe.” Don’t know about you, but I never miss the Commercial Property Fund Manager Awards. They’re a gas. Help cement the ties that bind the UK to central Europe and always plenty of continental fizz at the do.
  4. Annunziata Rees-Mogg: Freelance Journalist Most recently annunzed candidate. In charge of invoicing and ensuring payment no later than 90 days after publication. Ex-Tory sister of rival establishment elitist Jacob, but only went to Goldolphin and Latymer School, so is a peasant really.
  5. June Mummery: Fishing Industry A one- woman fishing industry. Bloody hell. Trawlerbait.
  6. Dr Alka Sehgal Cuthburt: Academic Can’t spell own name, which is Cuthbert. Or was that the BP intern? “Interests are in liberal education, literature and aesthetic knowledge.” Apparently a former member of the Revolutionary Communist Party. All in all, seems to be at the wrong party. Might not be an actual doctor and will be unable to attend to your Brexit hernia.

After that you’ll want to become a registered supporter (£25) or a volunteer (free, although they don’t say what you’ll have to volunteer for. Probably stewarding at an unpleasant rally).

These new parties are a bit minimalist though. There’s less substance on the Brexit party site than there is in our elderly cat’s fecal matter. And at least he knows that’s rubbish and just buries it. With all this standing around on the cliff edge (see video below) will they get the time to razz up a manifesto? Or do they need one? Are they just a badge for malcontents, like those punk ones that said ‘Fuck You’?

Anyone hoping the Brexit party will be working to purify the nation will be surprised by their video. The ethnic mix is way out of line. Older supporters are reassuringly represented by Rear Admiral Roger Lane-Nott (“We are a single nation, we wish to remain a nation”), but the youth wing is 100% black.

Incidentally – that’s the nicest way to put it – Farage didn’t set up the Brexit Party although it now looks that way. He took over the leadership from Catherine Blaiklock, who started the party at the beginning of the year.

But she’s had to fade into the background due to the sort of things she says, a bit like a lot of these people. Some stuff about her takeaway being delivered by a woman in a burka (not good, spoiled her Thai curry) and pubs being turned into mosques (not good, can’t keep the beer properly), food banks (not good, contribute to obesity) and hanging drug dealers (just floating that out there).

Anyway, she’s gone, so that’s okay. Except she’s not.

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Illustration: Trade agreements by Barry Barnes/Adobe Stock

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