New York, 12/27/2020 (Note the proper way to write the date!)
Dear Friends Across The Pond,
Back in July, I wrote you about the latest stupid internet craze of 2020, disguising cakes as real household objects: shoes, plants, toasters, dog poo. What a colossal waste of time! I admire the effort, and sure, Dave, I’ll eat it, but I’d be just as happy with a regular cake … one that looks like, I don’t know, a cake?
And please … cut it with sourdough bread!
Well, just as this dumb-ass year finally comes to a close, my Stateside brothers and sisters have thrown up one last reminder of American ingenuity and the great promise we represent to the world … a shining beacon of freedom and progress.
Yes, in these darkest of times, with viral infections reaching new heights, lockdowns once again looming, worldwide poverty and starvation skyrocketing, America reached deep down into its most creative well to brighten the darkening world. People of Earth (and Britain) … I give you … the Hot Chocolate Bomb!
Available on Etsy and practically everywhere they sell sugar, now you too can be your own homebound anti-terrorist! Just plant these chocolate IEDs in your unsuspecting child’s mug and BOOM! Coronavirus solved!
Hannah Selinger of the New York Times calls Hot Chocolate Bombs the perfect metaphor for 2020, a year where everything was contained under pressure and bound to crack open. Oh, Hannah, that’s adorable! If only we could pour a little hot milk on this fucking disaster of a year and drink it down with a spoon!
If you like that one Hannah, try this drink concoction … start with 8oz of Wuhan market bilge water, blend in 4oz of pangolin (descaled) and two tablespoons of Shitou Cave bat guano. Leave standing at room temperature for three to five days. Serves 8 billion.
MMR does podcasts. Check our YouTube channel. I mean here’s one with Ben Diamond!