Letter from America, part 13: Words with an ‘F’

New York, 11/28/2019 (Note the proper way to write the date!)

Dear Friends Across The Pond,

Thanksgiving in America. A time to reflect on all that we have … food, family, friends, and football (the one played with hands, of course!). I don’t actually watch football (either kind), but lots of Americans watch football on Thanksgiving weekend and it begins with an “f”, so I added it to the list of things I’m thankful for.

If you’re a letter counter like me, you likely noticed that my list contained four letters (“food”), six letters (“family”), seven letters (“friends”), and eight letters (“football”). It’s odd that I skipped one with five letters … and even more odd that the word “five” has only four letters! I digress. I’ll start again.

I’m grateful for the “fun” (three letters) I get to have with this column and for the three people who actually read my column. (You know who you are. Thank you for validating me!)

“Food” (four letters): covered that already, but there’s always room for a little more …

“Fudge” and “Fries”? Both have five letters, but too fatty. I’m thankful for the feast we had tonight, replete with fresh fruit and plenty of fiber. (By the way, we had “Fegan” dinner, which is kind of like vegan, but with meat.)

“Family”, “friends”, “football” (six, seven, eight letters): done, above.

I am fortunate (nine letters) to live in this country of fantastic financial fortitude and also fanatical frivolity. 

Would you believe this is getting easier as I add letters?

My forefinger (ten letters) points foreboding at the fatherland whose fallacious flirtation with fisticuffs and fanaticism forced our forefathers across the fathomless footbridge to create a forthright federation of fraternity and friendship, a fortuitous figurative forerunner of modern American federalism.

Fornication (eleven letters). It wouldn’t be one of my columns if sex didn’t make it in here somehow. Sex sells. I don’t have three readers by accident! I’ve worked hard to know what my audience wants!

I could go on with my fulminations (twelve letters) and flagellations (13 letters), but these forestallments (14 letters) make me feel fetishistically flibbertigibbet (both 15 letters), and so I forgo the fancy fluff of frivolity and bid you a flirtatious farewell.

A Happy Thanksgiving to all … even you fuckers across the pond!

Picture: Thanksgiving turkeys by Wokandapix from Pixabay 

Letter from America, part twelve: Nostalgic fiction and fictional nostalgia

Letter from America, part eleven: I went to camp with Jeffrey Epstein

Letter from America, part ten: Yesterday, yesterday

Letter from America, part nine: Where are your balls, Theresa May?

Letter from America, part eight: Bohemian Rocketman

Letter from America, part seven: Come on UK, do something funny already

Ben Diamond appears with Robin and Sean in our first transatlantic podcast. Don’t miss it.

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