US Kiss by Rowan Tallant

Letter from America, part six: So you’re getting divorced …

New York, 3/17/2019 (Note the proper way to write the date!)

Dear Friends Across The Pond,

So you’re getting divorced. That European chick, huh? She was never right for you. She didn’t speak your language and didn’t share your values. She didn’t like your bitter beer, your shepherd’s pie, or your Led Zeppelin. 

She didn’t know the meaning of hard work … taking siestas in the middle of the day, drinking wine and talking with that affected accent, sitting for hours with a thimbleful of muddy coffee on neat little streets, in her silly beret or her red fedoras. OMG! And with the grapes and the crepes and the olives and all that religion she droned on about all the time. It was never going to work. You gave it a good try. You can feel good about that. It wasn’t you, baby. It was her.

Hey Pooh Bear, I know you’re not ready to hear this, but there are always more fish in the sea … or, um, across the sea. I hear there’s an eligible, attractive, compatible – and available – partner just across the Atlantic! And she speaks your language! She gets you. Look deep into your soul and you’ll know you want her. You’ve always wanted her. You can see her now … she’s got a big bucket of KFC original recipe waiting for you.  What’s that on the table there next to her?  Mashed potatoes, biscuits, and hot gravy?

Look, I know you’re feeling down.  You’re sad, confused, feeling alone, a little anxious about the future. That’s natural. But it’s not the end of the world. Yes, you’ve been married for 46 years. She had a big family and you liked them. You got close to them. So many holidays you spent together. So many memories … trips to Italy, France, Belgium, Greece. You still have the photos, right?

Here’s some advice.  According to Divorce Magazine, you’ll soon start the seven stages of grief.

  1. Denial: This isn’t happening! What are we doing? Why are we splitting up?
  2. Pain and Fear: What will happen to my finances? Will I lose my identity? Will I still be able to compete as a world financial player?
  3. Anger: How could I ever have married that bitch? All she ever wanted was my oversized currency!
  4. Bargaining: You’ll start negotiating with her for things you don’t even really care about.  Passports for your pets? The right to sell irregular bananas? The Tampon Tax? Really?  This is what you care about?
  5. Guilt: You’ll second guess yourself and believe it’s your fault. Don’t buy into it! You can’t move one with all that guilt, so just go down to the pub, have a few pints and a good cry, throw up in the alley, and resolve to move on.
  6. Depression: Yes, your former lover has moved on. It’s inevitable. But you’re not there yet. It will take time. And don’t discount therapy. I’m here for you baby, if you want to talk …
  7. Acceptance: This is happening. Realize that you were already divorced long before this Brexit thing had a name. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you’ll be on the path to a new you. (And perhaps a new you and me?)

Now let’s look on the positive side. You kept your own bank accounts, right? Actually, you kept separate banks! Separate money with the Queen’s picture on it, right? So no worries there.

And thank God you didn’t have any children together! Can you imagine if there was a little Breurope or a little Eurtain running around out there and you had to go to court to fight over custody and child support payments? You got off easy!

And hey, here’s the best thing of all … there’ll be more time for us now! Remember me? America? We had a thing once, back in the day. Maybe there’s a future again for you and me. I’m not gonna pressure you, but maybe in a few months or a year, you’ll call me. I’m going through a similar thing, you know. I was in a three-way with these two guys named Mexico and Canada. It was exciting for a while, but I’m ready to move on. They’re just not doing it for me. I long for the security and stability you used to provide. Remember when I used to call you “King”?

If you need a friend, call me.  And when you’re ready for something more, I’ll be here.

Illustration by Rowan Tallant

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  1. Dear America,

    I’ve done everything to steal your attention away from U-Know-who. Is it that I’m too beautiful to marry? Perhaps we can at least be lovers.

    Ti amo,


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