You can’t miss that stuff in the Times about the lawless streets of Britain. Apparently the public are in fear. They’re saying the coppers have lost control. Do these people not use the Met Police website? You can now report your crime online. Take control for yourself.
Podcast: Love Island – what’s the point? Does your mum shave your arse? Are you looking for love, or fifty grand? Have you diligently attended the gym, or the tan shop, or both? If so, you might actually be on it. If not, you might be restricted to watching it. Robin and Sean certainly are. Contains relaxed muscle.
Podcast: The Tory leadership contenders are all hyped up on Brexit Viagra and it’s down to a straight knob-wrestle between Boris ‘Babyfather’ Johnson and Jeremy ‘Meanwhile’ Hunt. Robin and Sean monitor the media discharge. Contains vermin.
Podcast: Donald Trump. Bloody hell. Is he the Best Ever, like he says? Or the Worst? Whatever. Are there keys to his tiny mind in his childlike Twitter feed? Is his milk being adulterated? Can he rival the Mr Men for literary complexity? Robin and Sean inspect the White House shitehouse. Contains stone-cold losers.
Podcast: Remember Margaret Thatcher? The prime minister who tore the country apart without asking first? Actually, we were trying to forget, but the BBC is banging out a mega-documentary on her so we can get screwed all over again. Robin and Sean relive the destruction of industry and the debasement of society. Contains Tebbit.
How funny is Frankie Boyle? And if he is, why is he on BBC Two when Mrs Brown’s Boys is prime time BBC One? Has anything changed since Jerry Sadowitz didn’t make it in the mainstream? Can anything shock you now? Robin and Sean talk bollocks for breakfast. Contains timechecks.
Podcast: Wake up, it’s the 21st century! When people rubbing their hands clock up more YouTube views than Ed Sheeran (figures not verified). Yes, it’s ASMR. Not sure if you can dig nine minutes of pickle chewing or half an hour of keyboard typing? Then you’re in the right place, with Robin and Sean. Contains triggers.
Podcast: Is the TV music doc a shagged formula? Can we get Keith Richards in and is he actually black? What way up do you play and are you in a non-ego zone? Can you find out watching John Lee Hooker: Boogie Man and Word Is Bond? Robin and Sean give it a try. Contains bum notes.
Podcast: It’s exciting. New parties are springing up like plague buboes on the body politic. But have Change UK-The Independent Group (catchy) or the Brexit Party got anything fresh? Robin and Sean unbox the websites. Contains spoiled ballots.
Nigel Farage’s new party has carefully pre-selected its candidates. Presumably they thought they could sieve out the wonky veg and present a sane line-up. But given they’ll be beneath the Farage banner that’s a bit optimistic.
Podcast: Do you wave a card in the general direction of the bar, or hand over a tenner? Folding fans are being left behind – and the elders can’t get their Parker pens to work with their banking apps. Robin and Sean count the cost. Contains loose change.
It’s a C-list humanitarian crisis in here. The captive slebs have had their guts crammed with sweets, chocolate and crisps and now they’ve had to scarf down chips, pies, burgers, kebabs and parmo in one sitting.
Podcast: The celebs are back on Channel 5 with Britain’s Favourite Crisps, in the series that’s turned into a cult. Dom Joly, Vanessa Feltz, Basil Brush and all that lot, holed up in the studio, chewing fatty snacks. Robin Gibson and Sean Gollogly crunch the numbers. Contains salt and vinegar.
Podcast: You browse the Sidebar of Shame every day? You know Vogue Williams, Lauren Goodger, Carol Vorderman? You like fights in Wolverhampton, nipple removal (in Wolverhampton) and Brexit? Who doesn’t? Well, no one, and some people, on MailOnline. Robin and Sean scroll right down. Contains fake tan.
Podcast: Robin and Sean get their betting boots on for the Cheltenham Festival on ITV Racing with Ed Chamberlin, Matt Chapman and all the rest of them. And the bookies’ ads. When the fun stops, should you stop? Contains heavy going.
Podcast: Robin and Sean digest MasterChef – the bottomless stew of sustenance where the beating, boiling, grinning and gurning go on for ever and ever.
Podcast: Robin and Sean discover the UK government’s Brexit advice website. But is it definite, or maybe? Will you need to come back next week? And how do you handle an EU car crash – literal, or figurative? Who knew there was so much in it? Contains uncertainty.
Podcast: It’s the BRITs. But was there any upset, chaos or controversy? Or was it the proof of the rise of the poshos with a side dish of seventies-style smut served up by Jack Whitehall? Robin and Sean watch and listen in search of the zeitgeist, or a good joke. Contains bad jokes.
Chuka Umunna, Luciana Berger and five (now six) other ex-Labour nobodies gambling on becoming somebodies have launched an independent group. To run away from the party, Brexit and pretty much everything else, apart from the Tories, as three of them have joined too. Making it look a lot more Tory.
You cannot beat the first round of the first episode of 239 of a new series of MasterChef. Clumped noodles (Gary). Soggy plums (Maria).